Betty Bensham
by Sachiie
Summary: Created while listening to a Monty Python sketch. Percy gets annoyed with his mother's best friend and it all ends in a big mess.


"It's such a shame that your kids aren't here, Molly!  I would have _loved_ to see how the dear little twins were doing and how your youngest son is!  Is he still wetting the bed, or has he grown out of the habit?  And, oh, your daughter!  How old is she now?  Does she still squeak when she speaks?  I'm sure they're _all_ adorable, my darling Molly, and just like yourself!"

The smile Mrs Weasley gave her friend was a little strained.  She was beginning to see the wisdom in her offspring and husband mysteriously expressing a desire to go up to London on the day Betty Banshem came to visit.  Although Betty had been a good companion during her teenager years, now Mrs Weasley dreaded the days she insisted on visiting the Burrow to 'catch up'.

Trying to persuade herself that hexing her friend with a charm that ripped the tongue from the mouth _wasn't_ a good idea, the mother of the Weasley's focused on what Betty was nattering on about now.  Apparently they had moved from criticisms of her children to criticisms of her house.  Today was going to be a long day.

"…you see, Molly, I was just telling John the other day about this _amazing_ Warlock who can charm your house to whatever style you want in a matter of seconds!  You should definitely invest in it, dear!  I'm positively scared for my life every time I enter your house: I think that the whole place will collapse at any moment!"

Mrs Weasley was spared answering with a crude comment by the slamming of the front door.  Grateful for any distractions, Molly set down her teacup and rose up, smiling happily as she caught sight of her son Percy striding into the room.

"Hello, mother," he said in a stiff voice, having caught sight of Betty who was waiting for the chance to launch into a lecture about Percy's new promotion in the Ministry.

"Percy, dear, would you like some tea?"  Mrs Weasley cast him a hopeful smile, not really expecting that he would accept, but wanted to try regardless.

"Ah, no thank you, mother, not today.  I'm just in for a minute to collect some files for the Ministry: very important documents for a very private meeting."  Despite loathing his mother's companion, Percy couldn't resist showing off to anyone and anything.

"Percy, dearest!"  Betty leapt to her feet and bounded over to the poor Weasley with a ridiculous grin plastered on her face.  "You look so grown up and important!  Why, I remember when you were THIS tall!"

Percy doubted that any human could possibly be as small as the gap between her fingers, so refrained from comment.  Instead he smiled rather awkwardly as his face was pinched, prodded and poked by the annoying witch.  

  
"Yes, Mrs Banshem, I'm part of the Ministry now," he said in an attempt to lodge her off without physically hurting her.  

Unfortunately, this method would only work in theory: she was now twitching and pulling at his clothes.  Casting an exasperated glance at his amused mother, the pretentious member of the Ministry endured all of this without saying anything that would offend Betty Behsham.

However, having your manhood squeezed by a middle aged witch with bad breath and a perm was really too much to bear.

With a cry of outrage, Percy delved into his robes and whipped out his wand.  Before Mrs Weasley could stop him, he pointed the wand at Betty Banshee and bellowed _EXPLODICUS ELEMENTUS_ at the top of his lungs.  

Several smokey moments later revealed the Weasley's sitting room covered in guts, blood and slime.  Giving his mother one of his more sympathetic smiles, Percy suggested that she use the book of household charms he had bought her the previous week (for the more difficult stains), then mounted the stairs in search for the documents he needed for his meeting.

When he got back downstairs, his mother was gazing thoughtfully at a pile of sludge near her feet.  She turned to him and offered him a smile.

"I didn't really like her, anyway."


End file.
